Content to not know

I've spent a lot of time lately hearing about contentment. And a lot about change. I am graduating in 6 days from BJU. I feel like Rapunzel in Tangled:

Rapunzel: I've been looking out of a window for eighteen years, dreaming about what I might feel like when those lights rise in the sky. What if it's not everything I dreamed it would be? 
Flynn Rider: It will be. 
Rapunzel: And what if it is? What do I do then? 
Flynn Rider: Well,that's the good part I guess. You get to go find a new dream. 

Yeah, going to college was my dream. I waited 3.5 years after highschool to go, and the whole time I never knew if I was going to be able to finish it. Most of those closest to me didn't expect me to go, they certainly never expected me to finish. And I'm the first to admit that I doubted often whether or not it was God's will for me to be here. 

But now, I know that it is not His will for me to be here anymore - for now at least. 

Back to my original point, God has being teaching me about being content in change. There are a lot things about my life that are unknowns. How will I afford my apartment, when I don't have a job yet? How will my relationships with others change? I don't want to be the person who gets a degree and then wastes it by never putting it to use. 

As much as I want the security of knowing what is going to happen next, I know one thing for sure. I am secure in the will of God. And He has not shown me the future yet. I've been asked a couple of times 'what's next?' and I don't have an answer. I have a boyfriend, but I'm not engaged like a lot of the other girls graduating, so I'm not planning a wedding. Too many things are moving around for me to know any where close to where I'm planning to be in 5 years. 

So, what do I know? 

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

My head screams that that is not an answer! But it's what my God has chosen to reveal to me. He has shown me what He requires of me: to serve Him with all of my heart in the moment He calls me to live.

When I look back at what He has taught me, He has always provided perfectly for my needs. He has continued to grow me, and turn my heart ever more towards Him (though I often forget the lessons I've learned and need a refresher). He has placed people in my life that have had a huge impact on me. And He allowed me to be used by Him in other's lives. I don't need to be afraid of wasting my degree, because I know that the One Who gave it to me has the prerogative to chose what happens. I know that He has changed me forever because of my time here.

Guess it's time to find a new dream. In the meantime, I'm content with the change.

Because of Him,
Missa

Just a Puff

Sometimes, life just gets the best of you. If college is supposed to be the best time of my life, then I'm headed for destruction pretty fast.... I run to work, run to class, think about eating and go on a coffee run instead, run (or pretend to at least) to stay fit, and run to Christ every day during chapel.

Summer! Freedom! Lets add in 40+ hours of work, 8 credits of online classes, and training horses on the side (that only lasted as long as I didn't have to write papers for the online class). At least in summer I have enough time to enjoy my coffee while working on homework.

Next week, I will be starting my senior semester at BJU. I'm the weird person who transferred in January and will graduate in December. I can't believe it's here already. All my friends are here - friends who I would classify as more than family. I have a dear church who has continually shown the love and graciousness of Christ (we regularly practice the Baptist sacrament of consuming food).

Since my first week at BJU, I was required for a class to take notes on 50 sermons (which wasn't hard since we have chapel 4 days a week and 2 services on Sunday), so I would write next to the date in my notebook what number each sermon was. I decided to continue this practice even after I had completed the assignment. Tonight, I took notes for sermon #478. In the past 32 months, I have taken notes on all of those sermons (some, I forgot to bring my notebook, so the actual number is a lot higher). I have learned that my God walks on the storms of life, been encouraged to run the race and walk in the Spirit. I know that my life only makes sense when explained by faith and that God desires a life broken and spilled out for Him.

And while I'm huffing and puffing through my college days, I'm reminded that life is just a puff.

Tonight, life has slowed down - a calm before the storm of classes and homework. I drove home tonight after church and all around me I saw clouds. Big puffy storm clouds that just haven't released their burdens on the world. One of the clouds, at just the right angle, looked just like the Sphinx. Yeah, I still imagine pictures in the clouds - don't judge. 15 minutes later, I couldn't really see the cloud from my angle, and it probably changed anyway.

But think about the real Sphinx for a moment. What is it really, but a tribute to another human's puff of a life. Yeah, we have the real limestone statue, but who built it again? According to the all-knowing Google, the best guess is Pharaoh Khafra, but that is only a guess. They don't know for sure. Whoever it was, their life is gone.

One thing I know, however short or long my life may be, it's not likely to linger much longer than that cloud did tonight. Someday, all the burdens will be dropped, all the running will stop. Will I make a greater impact on this world than a pharaoh did with stone?

We have one chance to make this puff worth something. All of those sermons, all of my classes, all of the time spent studying the God of the universe will make a difference. Only He can change the world in a puff. We can simply choose to be part of His plan.

Because of Him,
Missa

It's 7:15 am and my coffee is already cold

Good morning! Doesn't that sound like a cheery message? But that really is how my life is going right now.

This past week I have been fairly sick... worse than I've been for a really long time. Basically for the last four days I've slept and emerged only enough to get food and go to chapel and required work meetings. My poor chapel buddies must think I have the plague. I've skipped classes and church. Today, I decided that I could not afford to be sick any longer. But that means that I had to get up with enough time to go to breakfast and make it to the student center by 7:15 to open. Luckily, my body decided that 4 am would be a great time to decide that I didn't need to breath, so I woke up to keep myself alive, and kinda just dozed for another two hours.

Why am I telling you this? Do I really just want sympathy or a hot cup of coffee? Not really.

Have you ever thought about how dependent on God we are? Sure, we've all heard the cliches that we're not guaranteed another breath, but does that really sink in? How about that God allowed you to wake up this morning? Our bodies are moving, breathing, functioning by the sustaining power of God.

This morning, I was nearly in tears trying to get going and unlocking all of the doors in the student center... I couldn't find sugar in the dining common, so I knew that my coffee was going to taste weird at best, why did I bother to toast my bagel when I knew that it would for sure be cold before I was done with all of my opening duties? Why did I have to be the one who was working insanely early hours after a late night?

Grumble, mumble, murmer.

Ladies and gentlemen, this morning, God gave me grace enough to wake up in time to make it to the dining common and get breakfast before I had to work. Last night, my roommate bought me creamer so that I could enjoy my coffee... cold or not. This morning, God gave me a quiet place to study Greek for the test I have this afternoon. Last night, I fell asleep and slept in a longer block than I have for four days. This morning, God allowed me to use the strength He gave me to work a job so that I can pay my school bill. Last night, one of my co-workers had an umbrella, so I didn't have to walk back from the meeting in the rain.

It's 8:45 am, my coffee is almost gone, and my God is still good beyond what I need. He doesn't have to sustain me, but He does. He doesn't have to send people into my life to just do nice things, but He does. He doesn't have to let me have coffee, but He does.

Because of Him,
Missa

Like a Child

Thinking about my camp experience, some stories make me smile more than others. Like when I was eating dinner one night and one of the other girl counselors came up and gave me a hug. My little 8 year old camper asked who that was and then said "wow! She's prettier than you are!"

The same week, I was having a friendly duel with patience. Up to that point of the summer, I had had 15 year olds who at least know the basics of cleaning...Not so with 8 year olds. One of the girls excitedly volunteered the first day to clean the toilet, and obviously I agreed. It is rare to find such passion in one so young....

The whole week, my cabin regularly failed cabin check. It. Was. Bad. I tried getting them up 20 minutes earlier, I showed them how to clean, I cleaned with them without actually doing all of the work for them...

Everyday, though, the girls left the cabin sure that they would win because of how beautiful it was. Saturday morning, I packed all of my little ducks (which is what I had called them all week) and sent them out the door onto their lovely bus. Then I began to really clean. The cabin wasn't destroyed, but it sure did need some work to get it up to passing for my cabin check the next day.

Think about us, as Christians, as 8 year olds serving God. We can try so hard, and we do the best that we can serving God, but our best work is so pathetic, its laughable. We can push ourselves harder and set aside more time to serve Him, go door knocking every Saturday, but ultimately, its no better. You can study up for serving God. I was reading a Jerry Bridges book and got the inspiration for this post. There are so many great books about how to serve God and do everything. Again, though, we're still just 8 year olds trying to clean a cabin.

I get it. You have to let God help you! That's how you succeed at the Christian life! So we work just as hard as we were working before and.... we still fail at cabin inspection.

Here's my point. Just like the cabin didn't pass until I cleaned it, our service for God won't pass until He does it. All of it. I know its not a perfect illustration, especially because God does use us to complete His perfect work, but He always uses us in such a way that, if we really looked at it, we'd realize that none of that was from our own work.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. - 2 Corinthians 12:9

Live dependant on God's grace and allow Him to work wonders.

Because of Him, 
Missa

Give it to Me

I was talking with God last night.

This past week, during chapel, I heard two illustrations about storms. In one story, the disciples' weak faith caused them to cry out and demand that Jesus Christ stop the storm. In the next story, the disciples were alone in the boat and Christ walked on the storm. This time, Peter asked for the ability to walk on the storm as well - and he did! Until he looked at what was making up the storm and he began to flounder. At this point, instead of calming the sea and letting the fisherman swim his way to the top, Christ reached out His hand and pulled Peter to the top of the waves. And they walked on the storm together.

Last night in prayer group, we were discussing what we had learned about God over the past week; either in our devotions or in chapel or perhaps through a song that had been stuck in our heads. I love the girls in my group so much. So many times, four or five of us have been learning the lesson, but different facets of it. While I was learning about waiting on God to calm storms and to dependently walk on storms, another girl was learning that our weaknesses are what causes us to turn to God. In other words, if we didn't have weaknesses, we would not be constantly calling on Him to help us.

My weaknesses make me completely and utterly unable to handle my storms. I've been trying to swim on my own, but that doesn't work. Then I turn to God (notice my order of operation) and demand that He stop the storm. I go back and forth between clinging to the stability of a frail, bobbing boat and throwing myself into a choppy sea trying to battle it out myself and drowning.

Sometimes when I look at my life, it feels like my trials define me. The pain of relationships broken or breaking, the stress of an insanely busy work/school schedule and an immense school bill, and the intense, internal struggle with sin that no one who looks at me could ever guess.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

I have a tendency when I'm talking with people to discuss only the happy things (like a good grade on a test or a funny thing a teacher said) or the acceptable complaints (like an unfair teacher or an EVIL test). To a degree, that is perfectly fine - not everyone I come in contact with needs to know my problems. There is no need to place that burden on people.

The problem comes when I am unwilling to give that burden to God.

Oh, I can pray about my burdens - like how much I want those relationships fixed, or asking for strength so that I can make it through the day. This is NOT wrong! But, at the same time, I don't want to make God help me carry these burdens - or even to let Him take them from me and actually carry them for me. As His child, I wanted to bring Him things that bring Him joy, like a crayon colored picture. But while these things bring joy and He likes them, He, as my Father, wants to help me when I'm sick or in pain.

Last night, I was talking with God, my Gentle, Loving Father, and all I wanted to do was to be able to give Him something that would give Him joy, but all I could find was nasty, broken pain.

Give it to Me.

Wait, what?!

Cast your cares on Me, because I care for you.

But I want to give you something good - to be a profitable and contributing member of this family. 

Do you think that you can carry My burden for you while being tied under your own? 

But I don't want You to have to carry something for me when I can't give anything to You! That's not fair!

What part of "God of the Universe Who gives strength because He is strength" don't you understand? Your burden is heavy and you are weary. I will give you rest, but only if you give it to Me. Then, I can give you My burden, which is easy and light. 

Ok, so if I give You my burden, will the problems go away? 

In time and in different degrees. 

Then what's the point? I want it to be fixed now! I think I can do it myself if I can just work harder!

I want you to look at Me, and not the burden, not the storm, not yourself. I want you to hold My hand as I walk with you on top of the storm. 

I'm afraid - what if I start to drown again? What if I start to carry my burden again? 

Then just give it back to Me. In fact, just start making a habit of giving it back to Me every morning and every evening. Look at Me, and I will keep you safe. 

No, I didn't actually hear God speaking to me, but last night this was going on in my heart. Have you ever had a really good conversation with your best friend that lasted for hours and you just felt so relieved afterwards? I know that what I'm struggling with may or may not ever go away, but I also know Who is strong enough to carry me. Not take up the slack, but completely and totally carry. He is the God who walks on storms.

Because of Him,
Missa

Peer Dependent

Peer dependent. Those two words were the strongest insult of my high school life. No matter what happened, being peer dependent was never something to become.

This phrase is particularly popular among homeschooling families who lean towards a strong family structure. Please don't misunderstand, I am completely for following the Biblical model in regards to families (well in regards to everything, really). I would argue, however, that we are designed by God to be peer, as well as family, dependent.

What is peer dependency? To sum it up, basically it is a strong need for affirmation of one's self from one's peers (those of the same demographic, age, social situation, etc.). Some can take it to the point of an addiction, and often spend their waking hours trying to decide how to best improve one's Facebook persona or other such actions. The solution to such an addiction has been to practice a form of isolation. Or highly controlled exposure. This is when families keep to themselves and when they venture into the world, their friends are those who share identical beliefs. Thus, the children grow up to become exactly what their parents envision them to be.

Question: what happens when these children emerge into the world and are questioned for their beliefs? Most will answer with a response that lacks a Biblical basis and smacks of cultism. I'm not saying this to step on people's toes or be mean. I've been there and I've seen how others respond to me when I reply that way. And then there's the dreaded "friends" question. Do you have any friends? Well certainly! All of us homeschoolers are highly socialized (because we have to disprove that myth) and can list 100 people off the top of our head.

My next question is, is there anyone of those friends who have the knowledge of you or the relationship necessary to confront sin or encourage you to grow spiritually? The level of friendship required for that goes far beyond discussing knitting techniques or even what last Sunday's sermon was about.

If we go back to the original creation account, Eve was created for Adam because "it is not good that the man should be alone" (Genesis 2:18). The rest of the verse proceeds to complete the argument for traditional marriage, but that's not the point. The point is Adam needed another person. Yes, God is all sufficient for everything we need, but He can fulfill those needs through someone else. Part of the argument against peer relationships is because we shouldn't need anyone else besides our immediate family, but that's not true.

Proverbs 27 gives a wealth of information about friends and how to be a friend and what to look for in a friend.... And it's not talking about family. Friends should be willing to rebuke you. Their wounds are faithful, but they also build you up and sharpen you. This passage even rebukes those obnoxious morning people friends!

Ok, people need people, and part of this includes friends who are not family... what's the problem?

Well, the idea of dependency conveys a concept of need. So, if we need friends... does that make us peer dependent?

Like all good things, wisdom is necessary. I fully acknowledge that those of my peer level, early twenty something college students, are not always the most wise. But I also know how far to trust their counsel. I know when they are faithfully wounding me and sharpening me, trying to help me grow. I know that likely there are some decisions and problems that will arise that they will not have the ability to help with. But I also know that they are praying for me, and that intercession is so precious to me.

So, is peer dependency a failure? Or is it the admission of a common weakness wherein God has provided for us?

Bitter Season

Maybe you've noticed something about this blog... I love to take the illustrations from the Bible and see how they actually apply in daily life.

I've been thinking about fruit again. Probably because we really don't get much real fruit in the dining common here at the big Bob, or maybe because I'm really hungry... who wants to study accounting when you can eat?!

Think of a peach. Sweet, succulent, so juicy you don't even really have to bite into it to enjoy its flavor because it can't even contain itself. That peach from the summer that is just AMAZING!

Did you know that it did not always exist in that form? Well duh! A peach has to grow and go through many changes to become the fruit that it is.

What are those changes?

So much has to happen in order to get from a flower bud to get it to a point where it actually resembles fruit.

But I want to point one more thing out. If you eat the fruit when it first appears in a fruit-like state, you will be sadly disappointed.

Every piece of fruit must go through a season of bitterness in order to mature to perfect sweetness.

I'm going to ask you to not think of the definition of bitterness that I normally use on this blog, that of deep anger that festers in your soul and consumes you. But rather think of bitterness as something that is not pleasant in our general vernacular.

Throughout the Bible, we see the theme that suffering is part of our life. Think about Job. He was put through a trial that was beyond what what I can imagine, yet this was part of a divine plan by God. Through the trial, Job's faith was tried and refined. In James 1, we read that we ought to count it all joy when we have these trials and temptations because they are working patience in our life. Our trials bring us from fruit that, while it is there, is yet immature. It is necessary for fruit to mature, not just because we like to eat sweet, ripe fruit, but because of how God designed the tree to reproduce. If the unripe peach were to fall to the ground, it would not be able to grow the seed pit inside of it. That is just how it works. So too, we cannot expect to reproduce our fruit until it reaches some point of maturity.

One other thing I would like to point out. This process of growth through a season of bitterness happens yearly for peach trees. A few weeks ago, I would love to have thought that I had arrived spiritually. I thought all of my fruit was perfect and I didn't need to grow anymore. The reality is, just like a tree, we don't stop growing. At some point, we drop our fruit and start all over.

Here's hope, though. From what I have heard from farmers, every year, the fruit is better then the year before. This is because not only does the fruit go through a process of maturing, but also the tree itself. As we grow spiritually, we don't really have moments when we drop all the back to where we were before we were saved, but we have moments when we have to grow.

And sometimes, that means going through a bitter season.

Because of Him,
Missa